One tubby-tubby, two tubby-tubby....

Today I didn't want to wake up. I went to bed about midnight and had some weird dreams, woke up a few times and smashed the snooze button as many times as possible. This is not a goal I have set for myself. So I need to work on that.
Yesterday was my first official WW meeting and I was very excited. Kim our meeting leader was super informative and she has a facebook so I can ask as many questions as I want :) She has lost 104 lbs since 2007 and has kept it off. It is nice to see someone in the flesh that has done this.
I weighed in yesterday and was at 278.4 lbs. I have discovered that when you look at yourself in the mirror you think wow I must way such and such lbs and then you weigh yourself and you're like wow that is a big number...for me yesterday I just kept thinking what got me to this point.
I used to weigh 150 lbs, then 170 and then 200 and for the longest time 220 lbs. Its sad to say that I would give anything to be at 220 again oh my god what I wouldn't do is more like it. But I have discovered that when you think like that the outcome is never positive and never lasts more than a few months.
The goals I have set for myself are small for right now so that I do not get disappointed and give up. A life change is what is needed and I have said that many, many times. Yesterday at my meeting I felt so rewarded and great. Then I went to grab dinner and went over my points. It is days like yesterday that make me want to do better. You can't have the good without the bad and you cant climb that hill without tripping or falling a few times either.
You have to make the things you want in life to happen for you. This is my moment to seize and it scares the hell out of me.

The planted seed.....

Oh what the shit! LOL I had to start it out a bit funny. Planting a new seed...allot of people talk about it many of us do not follow through but for once I can say that I did. I started ww and have stuck to it. I start my meetings today, very exciting!!!

It is almost October and that means the Holidays are underway!

Which means the first annual Halloween Costume Contest and party at Royal Terrace. It should be allot of fun. It works great because Halloween is on a Monday and the kiddos from school get to wear their costumes and pig out on candy :)

We also have the spooky door contest, which is allot of fun!!!

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I think that the things in my life are starting to make me smile, like right now...I am smiling while I am writing. I haven't done that in a long time and I bought a new journal today and I am going to get rid of the others that I have and start fresh with the writing.

Just a quick update that things are getting better.

I'm just a girl...

*sigh*

Seriously why is it that I haven't had my time?

I see all of these people around me doing their thing and wonder when it will be my turn.

It sounds a bit lame even to me but its still a question I would like an answer to. Like seriously is there something wrong with me?

Why do I only attract OLD ASS people or people I would never effing date or douchbags wtf! It is really irritating.

I don't know, it just pisses me off is all I do know.

People tell me I am smart, beautiful, funny and a great catch but they always fail to mention that underlining remark (you're a fat girl hun) that no one ever wants to admit. Its a bit defeating. Like I am not good enough for anyone. But then again who wants to be with someone who is unhealthy? I never thought I had low self esteem but lately I am thinking maybe I do just a bit.

I haven't dated anyone since August 2009 that is 2 years. Now I have been with people but that isn't something to be proud of. I want a relationship. But then I am like why have one so you can date, fall in love and then have someone rip your heart out like before? Whats the point. Everyones divorced anyway. But I don't like being alone all the time. I am not tagging along with my sister when she goes on her dates that's just fucking sad! I am sick of being a third wheel. I can't get my own date, wtf!?

And I am not dating someone I am not attracted to, I cant do it. People who do that are ridiculous because they're only doing it because they don't want to be alone or they have no self esteem at all or want sex and don't care how they get it. I want someone to be attracted to me and I want to be attracted to them. I am not going to date some crusty ass 40 something year old because he thinks I have a fat ass and because he has a fat wallet, sorry bro you're barking up the wrong tree. Dating is effing ridiculous. It is so time consuming. I don't see how people have the time to date 5 different ppl at one time and frankly its a little fucked up. Find someone give it a shot then move on. You got like 4 different flavors going on how do you know which one really gets after your taste buds you know?!

I don't know maybe I am just being an asshole, or a baby about the entire thing. Who knows? What I do know is that somethings gotta give.

Where's the Beef

So its been a week well Monday will be a week and so far 6 lbs have been lost!!!! Hells yeah. Granted its just water weight its still a visibal number that looks pretty damn good. And my moms making beef stew!!! I feel like I am getting close. I am hoping to meet my 5% goal by the end of October and my 10% goal by New Years Eve. I still need to work out. I didnt do allot that I wanted. I went to a benefit thingy and had some Michelob Ultra because theyre 0 points lol not my proudest moment but food wise I stayed in my points. I still have the rest of the day to clean my apartment, my car and give the dogs a bath. Why is it when things are cleaned you just feel good?   I love having things in their place it just feels right. Plus I need to get the rest of my stuff hung up and out of boxes. So many things in our lives go in directions we never thought they would but if we can keep track of them we can find out who we are meant to be and this unhappy lazy person I have become is not what is meant for me.

Meeting goals with no pants on....

Good title huh!? I chose that one because well I cooked in a shirt and underwear on this morning. I didn't use oil so I could do that! So that means I met one of the goals I set for myself today. I woke up at 7:17 am and cooked 2 eggs scrambled and 1 piece of toast with a tsp of butter and a cup of coffee with splenda! Let me just say I feel awesome!!! What a huge difference it makes eating breakfast. It wasn't some elongated task it was very quick and very easy and shoot I even had time to load the dishwasher! Holy Crap! I never do that. I was at work by 8:45 and I am having a pretty decent day so far. I am in a good mood, my attitude is good, I FEEL GOOD!

I am going to the gym after I get off of work today so at 5:00 I will dominate at Lady of America. I haven't been in about 2 months so I have allot of catching up to do. Then its off the apartment for dog baths and cleaning. There is nothing better than waking up to a clean house and even better is waking up refreshed knowing that you accomplished something you said you were going to! Tomorrow is a half work day so I will have time to do a workout video before breakfast and then go off to work. That makes my stomach jump with excitement. I am so excited for tomorrow morning. I am ready for it to be here lol. How lame does that sound?



Sometimes the things we want in life are the things we have the work the hardest for even if the objective seems insignificant like an A+ or a new hair color. Those things don't happen over night you have to work harder to keep an A+ then you have to get an A+ on a paper. You have to work to get the money to get your hair done because nothing in this world is free. So I have come to grips with me having to work my ass off to become healthier and to be in better shape. I don't want to be the funny fat girl, who in their right mind does. I want to be the "fit" funny girl. My size shouldn't have to determine my role among friends or society. Now don't get me wrong I am sure my friends don't see me that way but I can almost garuntee that someone on the street would say that fat girls funny. Which I am funny but be being overweight shouldn't come into play. With that being said I need to get over the fact that those things are going to be said because, why, I am fat, I am overweight and that is what people do see. People try to sugar coat that shit. Dude seriously they call you a fat ass because you have a fat ass. Its not rocket science. If you don't want to be called a fat ass then figure out a way to get rid of it :) ((((Haaahaaa that is right, that is an elephants ass))))





 I just think that the only way to make this change in life is to be completely honest and that is what I am doing, being honest with myself for once.

Ready, set, No!!!

First off I really need to start waking up earlier! I woke up at 5:33 am on my on and went to the bathroom and decided to go back to sleep. I should have instead woke up, popped in dvd to work out to and then showered. I should have then taken the dogs for a little walk and came back and cooked myself breakfast so I could eat before work. Then I could have gotten ready and been to work a little early and gotten some extra hours.

But instead I woke up went to the bathroom and back to bed until my alarm went off at 6:27 am and I proceeded to hit the snooze until 8:13 am. Seriously!? WTF!? I could have gotten allot accomplished in 2 1/2  hours. Sleep is always going to be there, shit I can sleep when I am dead! I need to L.I.V.E, live people! I have nothing to lose except weight! And that is why I started this right?! Right????

I have to do this, only me. I can't have someone do it for me. How am I ever supposed to get it done if I can't even get myself to wake up!

I have to make this change for the better of my life and my families life when I finally have one. I don't want to be that mom that has her kids do things with other parents because they're more active. I want to go on family vacations, and bike rides, and walks and all of the other amazing things you can do when you're a kid with your parents. The time is now it has to be.

I did not have breakfast this morning which is something else I have to change on the day to day. Its the most important meal of the day and I need to make it happen. I did have 2 cups of coffee though which isn't a good thing. So I am thinking of grabing a small lunch a snack on the way home and then for dinner I am stopping at the store and grabing salad stuff and a couple of other things so that I can cook a decent dinner and maybe be below my points  :) I was pretty good yesterday I met my points but I want to try and be a few points below. And being able to stand in my kitchen and calculate my points on my phone while I cook is awesome!

Each day is going to be a new experience that one I know but I want each day to get easier and better to handle. I don't want to have days like today where I didn't work out, I didn't eat breakfast and I just feel blah! So each day will have a new goal setting. Tomorrows goal is to wake up do a workout dvd and eat breakfast and have a good day!

The light at the end of my jeans!

Today I started my weight watcher program. Something I didnt think I would be able to do or need to do. I thought I could do it on my own, well truth is that we all need help once in a while. So I took it. I met my points today and havent had anything else. Lots of water. Tomorrow I start off fresh. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner plus working out. it feels a bit odd for some reason. like its finally here. I have wanted this since I moved to texas. I have wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin and be confident. Problem is I am the only one who can make that happen and now I am :) today my weight is 283 lbs 5% goal 268 lbs each weight goal will come with a new goal until I reach 183 lbs. The ultimate goal is 100 lbs lost by May 2012 for my 26th birthday. The best thing about this is the fact that I can get weight watchers on my phone to use my points tracker and to track everything else. I get receipes and I can track what I drink and my activities.

Whats the worst that could happen....

Ever find yourself saying that?

I do all the time! But the way I look at it is if you never try it how do you know its not worth the outcome.

So its day 3 of this blogging thing and I have already went back on my word. I didn't get to work out yesterday or Wednesday. I got off late both nights. I guess that is where it is my responsibility to make sure I work out either in the morning or after work. Getting motivated is the kicker.

This is a photo of me from when I started working out while I lived in Azle from 2009-2010. Before coming out to Euless and takeing a nose dive and it is my first goal to meet. Get down to 245 lbs again and then continue with attanable goals.

I was extremely happen at this point in my life. But it is time to be happy inside and out. Today's goal is an hour of cardio and 30 minutes of weight training after work. It helps me to make a goal daily instead of one that is far fetched and will only happen 23 yrs from now. So for right now its daily goals to help meet the final objective.

I am also using my fitness pal, it is an amazing website. It tracks calories and workout activity and you can get it on your smart phone. It helps me allot with meals and keeping myself in line. It is nice to look at what you've accomplished on a day to day basis.

Check it out http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

I also have made myself a little diary to keep with me when I start to feel volnurable. When I feel like giving up, I just start to write it all down, it helps allot as well.

It also helps to have a workout buddy. A friend of mine is working out with me and it helps keep me focused and on track. I also have a ton of workout dvd's just in case I can't make it to the gym I am still getting a workout. You would be suprised how much a photo of you at your biggest on the frige helps to motivate you to grab the water instead of the Coke and get to some yoga or pilates.

I don't mean to sound harsh but being over weight I have seen it and done it. You see the thin girl and want to "hate" her well I hate to break it to you but she probably busts her ass to stay in shape who are we to criticise her for doing what she needs to do to stay in shape. I always felt horrible after stairing them down and loathing them for the amazing body but truth is they worked for it just like I need to work for mine.

Each week I am going to have my "weigh in" I think seeing it in black and white will help me focus as well. I can't wait to see the changes.

It's called the move on with your life dance....

Ugh what a day. What a way to start out the day. This ones all about work today. What a drag! I hate these kinds of days. I just want to kick something. You know those kinds of days, nothing you want to work out is anywhere near the working out mark. I got some cancelled move-ins. That sorta puts a damper on my day!!!

I hate feeling like a failure. I know some people will probably think how can you feel like a failure its an apartment someone else will come along and get it. Well that is true but at the same time I have to do a ton more marketing, calls, emails, letters, and posts for the vacant units. Not to mention the other stuff going on. My favorite part about my job is the marketing and being able to do resident retention stuff. But when things like people finding a place somewhere else or not wanting to move in happen it just tugs on my heart strings.

This may not be an A+++++ apartment complex but its clean, safe, and updated in the units. Its a property with character and a story behind it. The residents are all good hard working people! I am proud to work here.

I think sometimes that may not show on my face when I have a bad day. Another thing to add to the list I suppose. I just need to work on time management. Get more out of my work day. Try to find a way to do it all, not in one day but in a week maybe. Find the problem areas and solve them quickly and efficiently. No one wants to do bad at their job, but for me its different this time. I actually care about what I do.

The first step....

So first thing is first I supposed. My name is Golden. I am 25, just turned 25 actually and for some reason the goals in my life had changed allot. When you're young you think about how you want to be rich and famous or help people or animals or be a ninja (yes a ninjas). But as you get older those things change and with me they changed day to day until I figured out that I had to be responsible. Not just for myself but for my job, my car, my finances, everything. Why don't they give you a book as soon as you shoot out of the womb that says "Hey, not so fast...you're going to screw up, read this"?

To make a long story short a few days after my birthday I reevaluated allot of things in my life. People, my job, my goals, my sanity. And none of them really made me want to grow up. I don't want to be an adult; I don't want to be responsible! But you have to be and in part of that you have to want to have a happy life. That was the kicker for me I sat back and thought wow you're a happy person and after this life reflection I realized, no dude, you're not.

So I decided when I got back from Vacation some changes were going to be made.

1. Move off property (I am an apt mgr. I lived on prop. Bad idea)
2. Love your job (After moving, I love it even more)
3. See your family (I need to see them more)
4. Love yourself (this is the hardest one)

My list wasn't a long one and that’s because most of the problem was with me. So I talked to a good friend of mine and shared some very deep and emotional feelings. The next day I ran a mile at the gym and forgot how wonderful that feeling was. So I called her up and said “dude, this is it. It is all or nothing". I have done this time and time again. Shoot I have had the membership for year and have used it probably 3 months. So I put myself a schedule together and have stuck to it.

Yesterday was the best I have felt in ages. I worked my ass off and I feel like mush today but I know it needs to be done. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be able to play with my children and be active in their lives when that time comes not some bump on a log.

So I jumped in with both feet again, only this time the feeling is so much more. I can't shake it; I can't walk away from it. It has to be done. There are no more excuses. And to tell you the truth I can't be more scared. This is crazy; I am so excited but so afraid of the outcome. Like what if this really changes my life. How amazing would that be? How much better my attitude would be, my confidence, my dependability, my humbleness. It’s the best feeling I have had in a long time and I can't want to see the changes that I make for the better.